Diary Of a Crush : French Kiss
by Xthereal-meX
Summary: Bella spots Edward the first day of photography class. Edward, a moody, scruffy art boy, is the object of every girls affection. Bella wants Edward. and Edward wants Bella...even if he doesn't know it yet. Bella keeps track of their love story in her secret diary - everything from eye contact to kissing- until they cant keep their hand off each other. but love never runs smoothly..
1. Prologue

**A/N ~ This is my very first twilight fic, so hopefully it will be okay. i actually got the idea from a book series that i read in High School called 'Diary Of a Crush' and this story is very much inspired from it.**

**No copyright infringement intended.**

**Stephanie Meyer owns all the characters, im just playing around with them.**

**hope you enjoy!**

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**Diary Entry 1.**

**Totally Private!**

Name : (Isabella) Bella Swan

Age : Seventeen

Lives : Forks Washington

Height: 160com

Weight: fifty eight to sixty eight kg (depending on how much icecream I've eaten in a twenty four hour period)

Hair: Brown. Plain and boring brown.

Eyes: chocolate brown (according to my mother)

Favourite book : _Wuthering heights_ followed by _Emma_

Favourite film : _Ghostworld, Bring It On and Breakfast At Tiffany's _(its impossible to pick just one)

Favourite tv show : _Alias _(spies kick ass, quite literally)

Lust Object : Jake Gyllenhaal, Dean Speed from The Hormones, and Edward.

Girl Hero : Drew Barrymore

Favourite website : .com

Favourite thing in the world : my vintage Dior handbag I bought off ebay

Makup item I couldn't live without : Lancome Juicy Tubes

Ambition: For Edward to fall wildly and passionately in love with me and to take me on a roadtrip across America.

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A/N ~ just a preview into the mind of Bella Swan


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N ~ enjoy!**

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14th September

Do you ever get the feeling that you're waiting for your time to begin? I feel like I invented that feeling. Cause today is all about shiny, new things. Scary, shiny new things. And instead of jumping out of bed, ready to dazzle the world with my brightest smile and my cute new hair slides, I'm huddles under my duvet, scribbling into my Emily Strange notebook.

I mean, I guess I should be rising to the challenge but, y'know, not so much. It's my first day at a further education college so, officially I'm not a schoolgirl anymore. And, OK, I might be doing A-Levels, but I'm doing 'em at a college where there are art students and drama students and everyone (apart from the savage, psycho Barbies studying hairdressing who laughed at me in the canteen on the day I had my interview) is achingly cool.

So how come I know that I'm going to feel so young and phoney compared to everyone else? Like, someone's going to tap me on the shoulder and say, "hey kid, you don't belong here, back to school." But school and my friends are miles and miles away. Why did dad have to get a new job and decides to transfer me, Mom and Pudding halfway across the country? Because he's hell-bent on ruining my life and destroying what little self esteem I have, that's why.

22nd September

I got this massive lecture from the parents at breakfast about "making more of an effort to fit in" and "we know the move was hard on you but it's been four weeks and you should have adjusted by now." I'm sure they've taken lessons in how to make me feel like a socially dysfunctional freak of nature. They don't understand though, all the people in my classes at college were at school/youth club/Brownies together and they just _completely _ignore me. And, besides, it's really hard to just crowbar myself into someone's conversation, like, "me too! I love The Thrills. Isn't the lead singer just the dreamiest?" insert retching noises. I just can't do stuff like that.

But I knew I wouldn't hear the end of this (my mother is the missing link between Rottweilers and rat-catchers) so I got pro-active and signed up for a Photography course that starts next week. I might not make any friends but at least I'll learn how to take arty, grainy black 'n' white shots of dead trees and stuff.

So directly after scribbling my name onto the sign-up sheet on the noticeboard, I was ambling down the corridor, nothing on my mind but whether I should have another pack of chips, when five minutes later my entire life changed! One moment it sucked and then the next, nothing was going to be the same again. No warning, no booming music. There I was in the canteen scraping a plastic stirry thing through the hot chocolate granules at the bottom of my cup and hoping no one would notice me sitting there alone, when I looked up, locked into a pair of deep green eyes and felt my spiritual self sift into orbit.

His face was all hard planes and angles, check-bones and jaw line softened only by those pillowy lips. His hair was equally confused and couldn't decide whether it was a fin or a mullet or just really messy or all the above. But it was the colour of a penny, or maybe just a copper bronze colour. He was wearing jeans that were faded on the knees and dark blue everywhere else, a striped shirt and suit jacket. All of him was in chaos and it was hard to work out whether he was beautifully odd or oddly beautiful. I never knew boys could be beautiful, but this one was.

Then he kinda looked beyond me and frowned as if he was annoyed at my audacity for daring to be in his line of vision. Boys that look like that always reckon they can get away with that kind of behaviour. He's probably and arrogant duckweed but what the hell, he's a drop-dead gorgeous, arrogant duckweed.

I saw him again, later that afternoon, striding across the college lawn like the houses of hell were snapping at his heels. It was like everything around him slowed down and then I heard someone shout "Edward!" and he turned round. His name is Edward. Of course, he's called Edward. How could he be called anything else?

25th September

This is what I've found out about Edward, or the heir to my heart, as I now think of him:

- He's on the Art Foundation course, and he's 20. He's three years older than me. Age gaps are very sexy.

- That means he's done his A-Levels already.

- He's one of the in-crown, along with his two friends Jasper (blonde, old school) and Emmett (really tall, muscle bulky and tank).

- They spend a large proportion of each day in the cafe across the road, but upstairs which apparently is far more socially acceptable than downstairs with all the housewives.

- Edward works at Rhythm Records on Wednesday afternoons and all day Saturday.

How do I know all this? Because, I was incredibly brave today and actually spoke to this girl, called Alice, who is in my course. I was sitting in our English class with an empty desk on the other side of me and an animated, "I'm just waiting for all fifty of my closest friends to suddenly materialise" expression on my face, when this girl plonked herself down next to me.

I glanced at her but she was rummaging about in her bag so I went back to doodling Edwards name all over my notebook.

"I like your nail varnish."

No one has ever spoken to me at college apart from the teachers, so it took me a moment to process the information that she was actually talking. To me. I looked at a sparkly red nail and then at her. She gave me a look like she thought I was possibly mentally challenged.

"Um, thanks. I didn't realise you were speaking to me," I muttered.

She nodded impatiently. "So, are you a local? I don't recognise you."

It was strange. Like, she wasnt actually being rude but there was something in her tone of voice that wasn't far off it.

"No, I'm from Forks," I said, and I've never been more aware of my stupid accent. "My dad got transferred here over the summer. My name's Bella."

"I'm sorry, Bello?"

"No, Bella. Its short for Isabella," I mumbled the last bit because I hate the evil joke that my parents decided to put on my birth certificate.

"I'm Alice," the girl announced. "I was named after this actress called Alice Eve."

"It's a cool name," I ventured nervously because it was, and after a moment's pause, Alice seemed to let out a breath she'd been holding and smiled at me.

"Thanks. So do you like living here?"

"It's alright," I said without much conviction. "I miss my friends though."

Alice nodded and then glanced down at my notebook which was lying on the desk with Edward's name plastered all over it.

"Oh, Edward." She grinned knowingly. "He's very snackable. When did you meet him?"

My face wasn't exactly the same shade as my nail varnish and I stuttered some nonsense about how Edward was actually the name of a guy from home but Alice wasn't buying it for a second.

"Yeah, right." She snorted. "Everyone loves Edward. It's like a rite of passage thing. You get breasts, you realise that sitting downstairs at Fritzsch's is terminally naff and you fall in love with Edward."

"Are you in love with Edward then?" Just by saying his name, it felt like I'd signed my soul over to the devil.

Alice snorted again. "No, because I'm in love with his best friend, Jasper. He's in love with me too. We're a regular love fest."

And then she went into this long and complicated story about Jasper and his ex-girlfriend that I couldn't really follow but I nodded my head a lot and then I tried to make a few discreet enquires about Edward but I might as well have had "I fancy Edward" tattooed on my forehead. Yeah, that's how subtle I am.

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**A/N ~ so what do you guys think so far? worth continuing? **

**please leave a review and add to your alert list for more! **

**i've love to hear what ya'll think so please dont be shy. constructive criticism is much appreciated.**

**REVIEW! :)**

**Thanks for reading! **

**~Abby**


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N ~ sorry for any spelling errors! but i dont have a beta so there are bound to be a shit tonne of mistakes! **

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**30****th**** September**

Edward sat at the table in front of me today in the canteen, but, like, facing me. I pretended to be engrossed in one of my English books but I couldn't help stealing these glances at him. His left eyebrow is broken by a scar, a thin white line; it made me feel weird very time I looked at it. I wonder how it happened.

I think he was copying someone's homework (do Foundation Art students get homework?) because he sat all hunched over these papers, a pen clenched in his long fingers, and his forehead all crinkled up, like he was deep in thought.

It made me feel sad because even though he was just a couple of meters away from me, he was really a million miles out of my reach. He was beautiful and everyone loves him and there I was sharing breathing space with him and he didn't even know I existed.

I felt small and insignificant. He's a proper person. He matters to all sorts of people and I'm just a stupid kid. And he probably doesn't trip up the bus stairs or lose all his cognitive thought process when he's in close proximity to someone he fancies. Oh, please don't let him fancy anyone, I thought.

And then he looked up and his face came to life as this girl sashayed over to him and planted a kiss on his check. A pretty, hipster girl with an inky black bob and a slash of crimson lipstick and a cute black mini-dress, which would have looked ridiculous on me.

That would be Maria, Jasper's infamous ex-girlfriend. Alice told me all about her yesterday. Apparently she and Edward have been friends ever since they bonded in a sandpit in nursery school and they practically grew up together. So, that would be good 'cause they'd be like brother and sister, but I've never seen any siblings lovin' it up like they were. She was playing with his hair and he was JUST LETTING HER!

And the other suckiness that was my day? The people in my English class hate me. They were sitting on the next table along from me in the cafe and talking about how I was "up myself" and "weird." Better than being a bunch of cookie-cutter deadheads.

**4****th**** October**

I'm just back from a weekend in Forks, staying with the grand' rents and hanging out with my old friends. It's only been a month since I last saw them but everything seemed different. Mike and Jessica are now going out, which just amazes me because I can still remember the time we were rehearsing the Nativity play in infant school and he wet himself and they pulled baby Jesus' crib over the puddle. And Jess is making out with him on a daily basis! Lauren has dyed her hair pink. Angela's parents are splitting up. I cannot believe how much has happened in such a short space of time. They were all talking about a sixth form college and having long conversations about people I didn't know and though they made a big effort to include me, I felt like I was being left behind. I know what will happen. The phone calls and the emails and the monthly visits will all tail off and, eventually we'll lose contact. So I won't have any friends left there and I certainly don't have any friends here.

**7****th**** October**

I couldn't write last night because my hands were still shaking! Picture the scene: me sulking into that stupid photography course in combats and a scruffy old black shirt 'cause I couldn't be bothered to make any effort and then I nearly fall out of my vans because who's taking up the back row but Edward! And Jasper! And Emmett! In fact, the whole class was full of art students (apparently they have to take it as part of their course), so Martyn (the tutor) told me to sit in the back row next to Jasper as there was nowhere else to sit.

It was the most exquisite torture. Jasper sort of smiled at me but my face had contorted into this weird grimace. And then Edward leaned across Jasper and spoke to me.

"Hey," he said in this voice that was all broken glass and silk. "Have you got a spare pen I could borrow?"

I am the lamest girl in the world. All I could do was shake my head. My tongue had become this heavy, lumpy thing. But when I got my camera out (a "sorry for my ruining your life" present from Dad) I heard him say to Emmett, "She's got a cool camera."!

The photography lesson went straight over my head. I couldn't take my eyes of Edward's hands. He's got beautiful fingers; they're really long and think and look like they should be permanently picking out chords on a shiny red gee-tar. Also, when the class was over, they all went out for coffee but he held the door open for me and WINKED at me! I can't believe that my stomach lurched at such obvious behaviour but, hey, it did. My _everything_ lurched.

**13****th**** October**

College has been a lot better. I get on really well with Alice. Well, she goes on and on about Jasper (she's made me tell her, like, fifty times about sitting next to him in photography) and I've started to hang out with these really cool guys Seth and Embry from my History of Art class. Seth has the naughtiest expression on his face all the time, like he's thinking evil things. And Embry is also pint sized and cute that I want to pick him up and take him home. They came over to talk to me when they saw the Pucca sticker on my folder and said that they'd seen me around and had been daring each other to come and say hello.

"Why didn't you just come over and say hi?" I asked them. And Seth just shrugged and said that they were a bit intimidated by me, which is so wrong because I am the least intimidating person in the whole world. I mean, fluffy little baby bunny rabbits are more intimidating than me.

But the best thing that happened is that Edward is now actively aware of my existence! He smiles at me when he sees me. I can't believe I'm being such a wuss over a mere boy-shape, I seem to be losing all mu kick-ass faculties. In fact, everything was swimming along quite pleasantly and then life suddenly got seriously heavy and weird. When I got to Photography class yesterday (late as usual, but I had made a special effort and put on my favourite polka dot vintage dress and my new pink Converse), the only seat free was next to Edward.

I felt as if all the molecules in my body were straining towards him. He was wearing a faded coca-cola t-shirt that had these little holes in it, like it was really old. And I realised that if I leaned in very slightly to my right, his bare arm would be touching my bare arm, which made me feel almost sick with nerves.

I didn't even dare sneak any sideways looks at him but then Martyn said we had to get into pairs to do this assignment and told us to work with the people next to us. Yup, the impossible just fell right into my lap – Edward's my Photography partner! But instead of being pleased, it just makes me want to cry.

I couldn't speak at all. He must think that I'm a complete freak. I had to hide my hands under the table so he wouldn't see them shaking as he tried to talk to me.

"So I guess we haven't been formally introduced." He said, and he looked at me, and all I could do was stare at my notebook on the table in front of me and know that every part of me was blushing. My face, the tips of my ears, even the bits between my toes. Edward, to give him credit, soldiered on. "I'm Edward, I'm on the Foundation Arts course, are you doing A-Levels?"

I managed to nod and shrug and shake my head in reply to all his questions. Give it a week or two and I might upgrade to the odd grunting noise.

Edward had to decide what our project was going to be, which was taking photographs of lots of crumbling buildings, as far as I can tell. He was chattering away about the influence of Gothic Revival in a lot of Europe's architecture in the nineteenth century and I could barely hear him, though he did say something about "flying buttresses," and then laughed.

I think it's fair to say that Edward has got me down as a mute. Even worse, he's coming here, TO MY HOUSE on Sunday. This is not a good thing, especially as I actually had to talk to him at that point and try to b e as cool and not forget my address. I started stammering and blushing even more than I already had. It was hideous. And I glanced up and he was just giving me this look accompanied by a little half smile that just about removed the top layer of my skin.

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**A/N ~ how was that so far? okay i hope! just letting yous know i'll be updating at least once a week, and if im in the mood to write, 2 times a week. **

** please hit me up with a review to let me know what you think of this so far!**

**i could really love to hear your words! dont be shy! **

**if you dont want to leave a review then at least add this story on your alert list! :) **

**but just letting you know i would LOVE to hear from ya'll! even if its to let me know my story stinks! xD**

**thanks for reading!**

**xo ~Abby**


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N ~ heres the next part! :) **

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all the characters... im just messing around with them ;)**

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**15****th**** October**

I can't concentrate on anything but the fact that Edward is coming over on Sunday. By some miracle, the 'rents are going to a wedding on Saturday and staying over so they won't be home until Sunday night late and my mother won't be barging in, proffering Ribena and oatcakes.

Alice told me that Edward has a terrible rep and that he's left a "trail of broken hearts in every school from here to New York." And that he and Maria have this strange contest to see who can get off with the most people but it's really because they have this love/hate relationship and they're trying to score points off each other.

"Alice, have you _seen_ Edward?" I asked her incredulously as we sat on the wall by the Nursery Block and split a bag of chips between classes. "He's gorgeous. If he wanted Maria, he could have her. He doesn't need to play games."

But Alice just gave me a funny look the changed the subject.

I can't seem to settle. I wish Sunday was here and then I wish that it was never, ever going to happen. When I'm alone inside my head, I have these amazing conversations with Edward and I'm funny and intelligent and just a little bit quirky. But in reality I know that I'm just a stupid, dumb girl who's too chicken to even speak to him.

**17****th**** October**

In 24 hours Edward will be at my house. It's just too awful to contemplate. And if I wasn't stressed enough, Alice invited herself round to stay over tonight. I like her and all but I just wanted to be alone tonight so I could work myself up into a hysterical state.

**18****th**** October**

Alice's as good as dead. She came around, spiked my diet Pepsi with Vodka, and then persuaded me that it'd be a really good idea to cut a fringe in. "you've got really cool eyebrows, but no-one can see 'em," she kept saying. And I felt so woozy that in the end she just kind of lunged at me with the scissors and butchered my hair. _Then _she threw up on my mom's Art Deco rug.

Edward is coming around in half an hour (excuse me while I go have a mild heart attack). The lounge stinks of dettol, I've got a killer headache, and worst of all, my so called fringe in crooked and curling up at the ends. I wish I was dead, no I don't – I wish everyone else was dead.

**18****th**** October – but later**

By the time Edward actually turned up I was practically hyperventilating. Every time I looked in the mirror my fringe had become even more lame. It was flicking out at the edges and just wouldn't lie flat. Did I mention that it was completely uneven too?

I was just in the middle of changing, so I was wearing my knee length hipster skirt and the shirt that I slept in, when the doorbell rang. I swear to God my limbs went into spasms. I managed to open the door and Edward was slouched nonchalantly (my word of the week) against the door jamb, dressed in all black. He slowly uncoiled himself and smiled, smiled at me in a not ever assuring way, and then handed me the carrier bag.

"I thought we could have these with our dinner," he said, with another smile that was a millimetre away from being a smirk.

I just stared at my feet, but eventually I took the bag and looked inside.

He'd brought cookies. When I glanced at him, he was staring at me intently. I was my _bloody_ fringe wasn't it?

"You look different," he said after I'd just stood there and gazed at him for five minutes, then, he reached out his hand and lifted my chin. My stomach dipped all the way down to the silver nail varnish my toes. I pulled away 'cause I just couldn't bear it any longer.

"It's my fringe. I had a run-in with a pair of scissors," I muttered and he was like, "Wow, you actually talk!"

And then we were sitting on the stairs and I told him about Alice and he said in this strange, strained voice, "Oh, that sounds like Alice."

I looked at our knees and mine just looked so small and childish compared to his. Even his knees seem dangerous. Does that sound strange?

Anyway, to cut a long story short, quite literally, we ended up in the bathroom so Edward could tidy up my fringe. He was really into the idea and I figured that it couldn't look any worse.

He didn't actually seem to be interested in _me_, but my fringe held a fatal attraction for him.

It was very, very intimate and Edward knelt in front of me, cupping my chin and turning my head this way and that before he started snipping. I'd always vaguely thought that all boys who cut hair had to be gay – but Edward seemed so not gay. The way he went about cutting my fringe was more about me being a sculpture or a drawing and him being an artist, moulding clay or smudging charcoal.

And then when he'd finished, he wouldn't let me look. Instead he did something that freaked me out. He told me to close my eyes and he started, very gently, blowing on my face to get rid of all the icky little hairs. He was holding me by the shoulders to stop me from moving and I wanted him to kiss me so badly. More than I've wanted anything.

But he didn't.

He just turned me around to face the mirror and I have to admit my hair was happening. My fringe was really really short, but it suited me. That devastating half-smile which turns me into a puddle of not-quite-set-jelly was back on Edward's face again but he just said, "I've just given you Jean Seberg hair. It looks really cute."

I was sort of "aw-shucks"-ing but he just said dead seriously, "your eyebrows are fantastic." Then the moment was gone, so I went downstairs to make some tea.

But the kettle had barely boiled before Edward had to go. It was just "time I wasn't here." We didn't even take any photos or talk. One moment he was in the kitchen dunking digestives into his tea and I was summoning up the courage to open my mouth and form complete sentences, the next we were out the front door. He didn't even say goodbye. I watched him disappear down the street and as he got further and further away the sadder I got. Then I realised the 'rents would be home any minute so I went to inspect the rug for permanent puke damage.

Later on, I googled Jean Seberg, pretty in a gamine way...or was it just my fringe?

I have to stop this obsessing about him but it's almost like I want to consume Edward whole. When I'm with him, I'm a different person. I become really _aware_ of myself and I'm not sure I like it. I don't know. Why is this whole boy/girl thing so confusing?

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**aww poor Bella, she seems to be having a hard time trying to get Edward to even talk to her properly. poor girl is gun sky. **

**anyway, if you could please please please please leave me a review or alert this story so you'll get emailed when this story is updated! it would be much much appreciated! **

**maybe i'll send sneak peeks to those who review! xD**

**thanks heaps for reading! **

**~Abby**


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N - **

**hello people! i cant express enough how sorry i am that i kind of abandoned this story for months! i really have no excuse. im not too sure of where this story is now headed but, im thinking it will now be more of a drabble with a few short chapters here and there. im so sorry to those who are disappointed by this choice. i've just been so busy with work and college that finding the time to write just isnt there anymore. i can promise you though, that this fic will be finished! have some faith! **

**enjoy this short chapter! :)**

**Disclaimer: i wish i owned twilight, but SM does and im just playing around with her characters**

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**19****th**** October**

I felt dreadful today like I had this sense of impending doom hanging over me. I spent most of the night thinking about what had happened with Edward. And I also remembered how unimpressed he was with Alice. I didn't see Edward at all, but I saw his friend, Jasper, who winked at me. Not in a sleazy way, more in a friendly way. I also saw Alice who I thought might apologize for puking on my mom's rug. But she just sneered at me and said,

"Your fringe is ridiculously short."

And I said, "Well whose fault is that?"

Then she muttered something under her breath about girls with stupid crushes and how I should get a life.

So then I was like, "Oh yeah, I had a great time with Edward on Sunday in case you were interested and Jasper's just winked at me."

She kind of shoved me against the wall and then stormed off.

Seth and Embry said that I looked like a young Angelina Jolie and when I breamed at them, they nudged each other and laughed and I was like "Yup, that was the right thing to say."

**20****th**** October**

I sat in the cafeteria on my own and Alice sat near by with a bunch of people who kept looking over at me and laughing. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, Edward walked in with Maria and even though there were two spare seats on my table, they sat as far away as possible.

Maria is gorgeous. She looks like she's in a White Stripes video or something. She wears the same stuff as me (hipster jeans or vintage dresses) but she looks a million times better. I was so conscious of my bottle-green, school cardie and battered black cords. Sometimes a girl just can't pull off the casual thang.

Anyway, they just locked into this private groove, whispering and giggling softly. Edward had his arm around her and every now and again, she would sort of nuzzle her head against his shoulder. I pretended that I was engrossed in my book, but I just sat there and wondered why the sound of people laughing could be, like, the loneliest sound in the world.

Then Edward got up and as he passed me, he tugged one of my pigtails, but he'd gone before I could turn around. I watched Maria from behind my book and she was writing really fast and feverishly. Reams of it.

When it was time to go, she tore up what she'd been writing, chucked all the little bits of paper in the bin, and wafted past me. Our eyes met for a second, so I tried to smile but she just stuck her nose in the air and marched out. Everything was so weird.

Why was Alice being such a bitch?

And why was Edward avoiding me?

And why did Maria have to be beautiful and mysterious in such a cool way?

No photography today as the teach was off sick. Can't decide if I'm disappointed or relieved with all the stuff that's going on.

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A/N - soo... what do you think? why do you think Alice was being that way? and Maria sure sounds like a character huh?

please leave a review and let me know what you think! even if its a criticism about the way i write (constructive would be nice though)!

looking forward to hearing form you my lovely readers! :)

xxo


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N - next update! :) just for those of you who can't wait ;) **

**Disclaimer: i dont own Twilight but i sure as heck wish i did ;)**

**enjoy! and dont forget to review after! **

**xx**

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**23****rd**** October**

Seth and Embry are the only people speaking to me, apart from the 'rents who don't count. Obviously, I'm a horrible person and no one wants to know me.

I saw Edward in town. He was with Maria. Again. He was wearing a hooded fleece and black jeans and he seemed so remote – I realised it was stupid to imagine that there was some bond between us. When I see him tomorrow, I'm going to pretend that he doesn't exist. It's about the only way I can hold on to my last shreds of sanity.

**27****th**** October**

Oh God, I've made such a fool of myself. I'm sitting in the cafe that no one ever goes into and I've got to go to photography class in a minute but I'm not sure that I can.

My obsession with Edward has leaked over into an obsession with Maria. They're always whispering together lately and I know there are all these secrets going on. I just don't know that they are and it's driving me crazy. I'm sure there's more to this "best friends since we were embryos" thing.

This morning I walked into the first floor toilets to hear Maria screeching at Alice,

"Just keep your stinking carcass away from him!" before storming out.

Then Alice shot me an absolutely filthy look before disappearing. I'm getting so fixated on Maria that I even followed her at morning break. She went into Oxfam and I hid behind the books-stand and watched her nearly buy this really cool Sixties black bag. So, I bought it instead, when she left. I'm practically stalking her.

It got worse. At afternoon break, she sat in the library doing her manic scribbling routine again and then chucking it all in the bin. Five minutes later (when I should have been in French), I was rifling through the bin and hoping that there wasn't any goopy stuff in there when I felt two hands squeeze my waist.

I turned my head, dead flustered, and Edward was standing right behind me, smiling and saying

"What on earth are you doing weirdo? Did you miss breakfast or something?"

I was so freaked out. A million things were running through my head.

Did he know what I was really up to?

Why was he always laughing at me?

Y'know I was trembling like a leaf in a thunderstorm. I could feel his warm breath on the top of my head and where his hands rested on my waist, they seemed really cool while my skin burned up.

I leaned back against him for a second and he lowered his head like, I don't know, like he was about to kiss me. But it was all too much, I twisted away from him and shot out of the library while be probably stood there and was terribly amused by it all.

How can I ever face him again?

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**A/N - What do you think will happen next? will Bella be able to face Edward after being caught snooping through trash? **

**let me know what you all think! please leave a review! **

**much love**

**xx**


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N - thanks guys for fav-ing and alerting this story! means a lot! :) **

**here is what happens latter on in the day.. ;)**

**Disclaimer: SM owns twilight :)**

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**27****th**** October (later)**

By the time I got to photography class, there was nowhere to sit but in the back row with Emmett, Jasper, and . . . Edward. Which was getting to become some-thing of a habit. Note to self: Get to photography class ON TIME! I couldn't even look at Edward, so I just pretended that he wasn't there even though I could see him looking at me with this bemused fashion. I turned around and scowled at him and hissed,

"Stop staring at me!"

Edward seemed to think that was hugely funny cause he smirked and drawled,

"Well, stop sulking then."

I was just about to deny it, when our teach told us to get into our project pairs and discuss our work, so I had to talk to Edward. After a couple of moments trying to stare each other out, I gave in and started wittering on about the photographs.

"So, umm, I don't really know where there would be any crumbly old houses . . . that is, I mean, y'know, stuff that's old and Gothicky Revivaly 'cause I've only just moved here."

I went on like that for ages. I could hear myself talking up this utter crap and tried telling myself to shut up but myself wouldn't listen and all the while Edward sat there and stared at me. Like, really stared at me. It made me feel really uncomfortable, but sort of excited at the same time.

I was going round in circles, so Edward decided to take charge.

"There's this old ruined place halfway to the city that we should go to," he announced suddenly, sitting up straight.

"You'll love it, its all Gothicky Revivaly." He shot me a slightly evil smile and yay me because I managed to roll my eyes rather than do what I normally do which is turn bright red and start hyperventilating.

"Okay, whatever." I mumbled.

"I've got to work on Saturday so lets do it Sunday week," Edward continued.

He was being very take charge, which was quite impressive. If I have to organise a cinema outing, it usually takes me at least a day to decide what film I should go and see.

"I'll come round to yours for about one and then we can drive up there," he said.

All I could think about was that Edward was going to drive me, _in his car, _to an old, ruined place a few miles out of town. I'm going to be trapped in a small, enclosed space with Edward for at least an hour each way.

When Edward and I walked out of the classroom, Maria was waiting for him. It was very awkward. Edward suddenly grabbed my had as I was about to scurry away, which startled me and made me crash into the wall, and he said,

"Maria, Bella. Bella, Maria."

Maria gave me this really pointed look and said very icily, "Yes, I know."

What the hell is going on?!

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A/N - ooh okay, so what do you think happens next?

please leave a review and let me know!

love you guys!

xx


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N - some of you have PMd me about this story and have asked a few questions... just to clear a few things up**

**- This IS a Edward and Bella fic.**

**- No, it is not going to be cannon couples (ie, Alice/Jasper ; Rose/Emmett)**

**- some parts of this story will be stupid and ridiculous, but do keep in mind, it IS just a story. :)**

**for those of you who review every chapter (even if its just telling me to update) - i dedicate this chapter to yous! **

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**28****th**** October**

The weirdest day, ever. I didn't see Edward, but I bumped into Maria at the Cancer research shop. We both made a lunge for this gorgeous Sixties'ish dress with cherries printed on it. Just as I was about to give it up and beg her not to hurt me, she smiled and said,

"Oh, this would look way better on you."

I tried it on and it looked fab. I was really surprised to find Maria lurking around the till and I nearly fainted when she asked me to go for a coffee with her. Like, we were friends and she didn't mind being seen with a total geek girl.

I skipped French and spent the whole afternoon hanging with her. She asked me what I thought of Edwards mates, Emmett and Jasper, but then she started pumping me for information on who Alice was dating. I told her all about Alice getting me drunk and how Edward has rescued my fringe and she was like.

"Alice is the biggest bitch this side of the equator, keep away from her."

I was sort of trying to find out if Maria and Edward had ever had sex, but basically I was just going on and on about him in a really sad fashion. Maria wouldn't admit anything, she just smiled knowingly. Before we went our separate ways, she suddenly gripped my arm tightly and said,

"Don't get too besotted with Edward, Bella. He eats little girls like you up for breakfast."

Was that friendly advice or a warning to back the hell off?!

**31****st**** October**

Embry and Seth forced me to go trick or treating with them. They decided to go as the White Stripes (don't ask) and I dressed up as a dead girl from a splatter movie.

I can't believe that I tramped the streets covered in fake blood, with a rubber pick-axe stuck to my back. The carrier bag of chocolate was almost worth it, until I saw Edward and a huge bunch of his mates (well, like FIVE of them) coming towards us. THERE WAS NOOWHERE TO HIDE!

So I ran across two busy lanes of traffic and nearly succeeded in getting mown down by a bus and accessorising my fake blood with a couple of pints of the real thing.

Seth and Embry told me that I hadn't got away with it. They'd heard Edward and his gang talking about my reckless dash. Apparently Edward had said,

"Someone's parents never taught her to look both ways when she's crossing the road."

Oh God. Oh God. Oh my God.

Embry and Seth were like , "Time to engage the brain cell," but I think I looked desolate that they stopped teasing me (which they'd done mercilessly for about half an hour) and shared their chocolate with me instead.

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A/N - what did you think? was it an okay update? haha the story is now starting to take off and the plot with start to thicken. there will be more E/B moments, but im just getting yous into the mind set of the characters.

what do you guys think of Maria? fishy? or genuine in wanting to hang out with Bella?

please leave a review and let me know what you think!

xx


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N - hello my lovely readers! nothing much to say really except ENJOY! :)**

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**2****nd**** November**

When I went to get some books out of my locker at lunchtime, I found a note that Maria had left asking me if I wanted to go to a gig with her next week and to give her a ring.

I went swimming at lunchtime and afterwards, as I hurried out of the sports centre, I bumped into Edward. When I say bumped, I actually mean that I hurtled into him with all the velocity of a high speed train. I had Daft-Punk on my ipod and they always make me walk really, really fast.

Edward put his hands out to steady me and I could feel them burning through my t-shirt. I was just thinking, I've got wet hair and tatty old combats on, why can't he see me when I look less darkish?

"I've been swimming," I said, like he couldn't already tell.

Edward still had his hands on my shoulders and he sort of gently pushed me against the wall and bent his head, so his lips were almost touching mine, and whispered,

"We've got a date on Sunday. See you then, kid." And then he just sauntered off.

Although I'm really into Edward, I hate the way that he treats me like his little personal plaything. I think he must know that I fancy him, which is horrible enough, but why does he have to make me feel so lame about it?

**8****th**** November**

I'm thawing out in front of the fire with a mug of hot cocoa and a heedful of strange thoughts.

Edward picked me up this lunchtime in his Volvo (that was broken). I had to sit with my knees hunched against the dashboard because my seat wouldn't go back and when Edward got in it seemed even more cramped. Our eyes met in the driver's mirror and we both smiled. Time seemed to get really slow and then stop altogether.

He said, "Its okay, Bella. I know" (which I think is the first time he's ever said my name and just confirmed my worst fears that he'd guessed I had a planet sized crush on him), before putting on a Beatles CD and starting the car.

I never wanted the journey to end. Occasionally Edwards hand would brush my leg as he changed gears but it wasn't sleazy, it didn't even make my heart skip a couple of beats, it just felt really, well, _right. _

I sunk as far as I could into the seat and listened to the music and the car purring along the roads. Edward and I were silent but it wasn't awkward, it was like, the most comfortable quiet in the world.

When we got there, wherever _there_ was (I didn't have a clue), I had to scramble over the driver's seat because he'd parked against a hedge. Edward just stood there while I tried not to snag my woolly tights. I wished I hadn't worn a dress.

"You could've helped me," I muttered.

Edward just grinned. "You seemed to manage very well by yourself."

"Charming," I said witheringly, but you could tell I didn't really mean it.

We had to scramble up this hill with, like, a force of 10 gale blowing, so Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me up behind him. The ruins were all twisty and pointy, a bit like Edward. He was fiddling with my camera.

"You ready for your close up then?" he asked with a smile.

There was no way I was going to let Edward photography me, I felt vulnerable enough. I snatched the camera back.

"No, I wanna take pictures of _you. _It's my camera."

Edward shrugged, and then stood there glaring at me.

"Come on then."

He was ruining everything by going weird and moody. It made me feel very aggressive. I yanked him, so he was standing in a crumbling doorway and then shoved the camera lens at his face. I surprise myself sometimes. Then he surprised me by pushing the camera lens away and kissing me.

I knew then that nothing else mattered because I wanted to die from Edward's kisses. He did things to my mouth that made me realize what it was for. All the time I'd been using it to eat and talk and blow bubbles from wads of gum and instead its sole purpose in life was to be the place where Edward's tongue stroked along my teeth and the insides of my cheeks and danced with mine.

I realized now that the way someone kisses is as individual as the way they do their hair. There's no right or wrong way to do it. It was a major revelation. When Edward kissed me, I couldn't help but believe that I was the only girl in the world that he'd never get enough of and it made me fall a whole lot more in love with him.

His hands were in my hair and his lips were on mine and it was like everything and nothing that I'd expected. It seemed to last for ages before _he_ pushed me away.

"That didn't happen," he hissed, narrowing his eyes. "Let's get out of here."

On the way back down the hill to the car, I slipped and fell over. Edward didn't even help me, he just watched me impatiently while I scrambled to my feet. We drove back in the horrible silence and I couldn't get out of the car fast enough when we got to my house. He was already driving off before I'd even shut the door.

What the hell did I do wrong?!

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**A-N - thank you guys so much for adding this story to your favs list! it means so much to me! :)**

**this chapter is a bit longer than my usual updates, only because im compensating for the extra time i'll be taking to post up the next chapter. (it wont be up for a couple of days).**

**- a big thankyou to those take the time and review! you guys are the best! **

**for those of you who dont review, well it only takes a few seconds to click the review button and a couple of extra minutes to say what you think about the chapter ;) *hint hint***

**PLEASE REVIEW! **

**love you guys!**

**xx**


	10. Chapter 9

**A/N – Hello my faithful readers who are still reading this story! :) im so sorry i havnt updated in a while, but i've had finals and its been killing me. i didnt have time to write much, but here is a new update for you all! **

**~ in answer to the question that was asked in a review, no this is not set in England, but in the USA. It may have little bits and pieces that make reference to England, but i'm trying to make it based in the US. The idea of this story is from an English based concept though, so maybe that is why it may seem like the setting is in England. :)**

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**9****th**** November**

Edward ignored me all day. As luck would have it, I kept bumping into him everywhere I went but it was like I was invisible; he just brushed past me like a sudden gust of cold air.

Maria kept pestering me about going to the gig tonight. She was really friendly and I wanted to ask her if she had spoken to Edward but I was too chicken.

I didn't feel like going out but Maria wouldn't take no for an answer. She came around to my house and lounged on my bed while I decided to wear my new sixties dress with the cherries on it and a little red cardie. She's not at all scary, now that I know her, but she is annoyingly tight-lipped about Edward.

"So did Edward say anything about me then?" I plucked up the courage to ask, after about ten minutes.

"No," Maria replied flatly flicking through my copy of _The Virgin Suicides. _"Any reason why he should?"

I pretended to be doing my hair but really I just wanted to look at Maria without her realizing it. To see if she was twitching or something and therefore lying about Edward not saying anything.

"Oh, it's just we went out the other afternoon to do this project and I just thought he might have mentioned it," I said ultra-casually but Maria just shrugged.

And when we got to the club, who do we see but Edward with _Alice _all over him! Maria made a beeline for them, and I trailed (unwillingly) along behind her. She and Edward started having this really quiet, really heated debate, while Alice looked me up and down with this really evil smirk on her face. I had to get away, she was doing my head in, so I got myself a drink and wandered off to watch the band, which is when I started talking to this skate kid.

He kept telling me that I looked like Gwen Stefani and I knew Edward was watching me, so I started smiling at this guy and touching his arm while he wittered on. Then skate kid grabbed me and shoved his tongue down my throat, which was so inappropriate and _ewwwwwwww _that it took me a while to process what was actually happening.

I pushed him away and told him to cut it out, just in time to see Edward looking at me with a disgusted expression on his face.

I didn't go and find Maria, I didn't even tell Edward that he was a treacherous, two-faced asshole, I just shot out of the club, ran all the way home, and collapsed on my bed.

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**A/N - ooooh Alice did whaaaaat?! hahah i think im going to like your views on what you think of this...new...thing ;)**

**dont worry though, the next chapter update will be really soon. i just need to think of a few more ideas :)**

**love you all for sticking by my story even though its taking a long time to finish!**

**xxo**


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N - thank you all for sticking by my story even though im such a sloth when it comes to updating.**

**im done with my finals (at last!) so my updates should be more frequent from now on. :)**

**thank you truely to those who take the time and review for me. it really does mean the world to me :)**

**this is such a short chapter update, just a filler... but i suppose it's better than nothing.**

**i shall not keep you waiting... here goes ...**

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**10****th**** November**

I've been spending a lot of time hanging out with Seth and Embry (who _must_ me gay. Or else they just really, really like show tunes). In fact, they're coming around to my house at the weekend for pizza and an Orlando Bloom DVD marathon. Maria asked why I hadn't stuck around to see the bad that night and I was like, "Some guy kept trying to suck face with me and wouldn't take no for an answer," in the hope that she'd tell Edward. But she just kept going on about what a witch Alice was.

I had photography class in the afternoon. Edward and I were meant to be developing the pictures we took but he obviously didn't want to be alone in a dark room with me as we were chaperoned by Emmett and Jasper.

Edward slumped at the end of the bench glowering and talked to Emmett in low murmurs (I distinctly heard the words "she's a fucking headcase") while me and Jasper actually managed to do the developing. I was glad that it was dark. It's easier to hide your emotions when the lights are dim.

As Edwards face emerged from the photographic paper, I felt my insides turn to mush. His eyes seemed to look right through me and then I glanced at the real Edward and it made me sad and angry that he couldn't even bring himself to look in my direction.

Jasper walked me to the top of my road that afternoon. I don't fancy him, thank God, because one crush is about all I can handle, he's just very easy to talk to. But when I mentioned that I'd been hanging with Maria he went all quiet. And when I muttered something about Alice, he nearly tripped over his feet.

I just don't understand boy-shapes.

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A/N - Jasper and Bellla?! whaaat!? is he truly a nice guy or is he using Bella?! What about Edward? attitude much?

what do ya'll think should happen next?

cant wait to hear from you!

xx


	12. Chapter 11

**A/N - just because i feel like updating! here is a longer chapter for you all! **

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**13****th**** November**

I had a fantabulous time with Seth and Embry yesterday. I knew I was right about the gay thing because a) they insisted that we watch _Pirates of the Caribbean _twice! And b) they totally confessed.

I'd just gone to get some more garlic bread out of the oven and when I came back they were all whispery but looked up immediately.

"Were you talking about me? Was it about me and Edward?" I asked suspiciously because I have a one track mind. Well, I have a several track mind but they go in the same Edwardy direction.

I tapped my foot and glared at them while they nudged each other until Embry blurted out:

"We're gay. You know that right?"

And honestly, they looked so scared like I was about to start screaming that I burst out laughing and said,

"Hey, what else is new?"

It was all cool.

But today? Urgh! Alice and two of her hench girls cornered me in the bathroom.

"I want a word with you, you skanky slut," were her first words. I almost dropped my books in the sink. WTF?

"Excuse me?" I said, because I was too astounded and shocked to even be scared.

But Alice grabbed me by the wrist and slammed me right against the paper towel dispenser.

"You're such a whore," she hissed.

"Everyone knows you've slept with Edward _and _Jasper."

She was right in my face, practically spitting with venom and I felt all shaky and weepy 'cause when someone's nose to nose with you and giving you aggro, its quite traumatising. Plus I didn't have a clue what she was going on about. I'd kissed Edward. Okay so I made out with Edward and now he was treating me like trash as and for Jasper. . . . since when did walking home with someone equal letting them have a quick fuck?

Luckily a gang of girls came in and she had to let me go but the whole thing left me very trembly.

I'd just about recovered and pushed the door open when I saw Maria walking down the corridor and she fucking ignored me! I thought that maybe she hadn't seen me and I ran up and caught up with her.

"Hey you," I said brightly and then took a step back as Maria shot me a venomous look.

"What's wrong?" I said.

"What's wrong? What's wrong?" she repeated with disbelief.

"What's wrong is that I've been hanging out with a two faced bitch like you!"

She flounced off in the direction of the art block and I went to another bathroom and sat on the toilet seat and cried, just like Hermione did in the first Harry Potter. I cried and sat there until it was time for French.

I think everyone must be on drugs. I don't know what's going on. It seemed like the whole college was pointing at me and whispering. To top it all off, I saw Edward on my way to the bus stop and he looked at me like I'd just crawled out of a primordial swamp.

I got home and had a huge hissy fit at the 'rents about coming here in the first place, but it didn't really make me feel better.

**15****th**** November**

I used to love weekends when we lived in my old town. From Friday evening to Sunday night, I'd be out of the house and hanging with my friends. I was part of a gang of people that cared about me.

This weekend I barely came out of my room. I mostly slumped on the bed, cuddling my cat until she meowed and then got bored.

I spent the whole weekend either, moping, gazing at that stupid photo of Edward, or phoning Maria, only to be told she wasn't in. Yeah, right.

I know that this fucked up mess was all Edward's fault.

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A/N - Ooooh Alice is being such a B***H, but why do you think that is? and what was up with Maria?!

well all know that Bella didnt sleep with Edward OR Jasper, so why is the rumour on campus saying that she did?

please let me know what you all though!

love yous!

xx


	13. Chapter 12

**A/N - i cant thank you enough for those of you who are still keeping up to date with my story. **

**for those of you who take the time and review, i love you even more ;)**

**here's the next diary entry . . . **

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**16****th**** November**

I was definitely in the back of the queue when they were handing out common sense.

I'd spent so long having these confrontation fantasies in my head about what exactly I was going to say to Edward that I completely forgot all the very good reasons (about 147 of them at the last count) why I shouldn't corner him in a deserted studio at lunchtime.

The really sarcastic little speech that I'd prepared flew out of my head and I screamed and swore at him. Oh sweet baby Jesus, I was a total harpie!

"You're just and arrogant duckweed who thinks he can play around with my heart just for something to do," was one of the not so highlights of it.

I even stamped my foot a couple of times. The more angry I got, the more choked up and snotty nosed I became while Edward sat there looking utterly horrified.

Then, like the spineless idiot I am, I burst into tears properly and ran out. Sometimes I think that I suffer from arrested mental development and have the emotional range of a teaspoon, or well . . . of a three year old.

I made it as far as the patch of ground by the kitchens where the bins are, before Edward caught up with me. One moment I was running as fast as I could, the next he'd grabbed me by the shoulders and hauled me around to face him.

Of course, I was struggling and flailing about like someone had emptied a packet of itching powder into my panties, but then I became aware of how tightly Edward was holding me and I just went completely still.

"God, just stop it," he said and his voice was all strained.

"Calm down." And he was looking at me like he really cared about me and then he stroked one long finger down my hot face and I knew he was going to kiss me.

_I knew it! _

It was even hotter and better than before.

We melted into each other. He kissed me so hard and so long that time seemed to freeze around us.

After that, we went for a walk in the park and _he held my hand. _Really held it. And every now and again, he'd squeeze my fingers. It was primo hand holding. But I was still really mad at him. And he said,

"Bella, there's all this complicated stuff going on that I need to clear up."

So I asked, "You mean, before we can be together?"

He crinkled his eyes at me like he was seeing me for the first time and then he muttered, "I don't want you to get hurt." People always say that when they're about to hurt you.

It was the hardest thing that I've ever done but I just said in a small tight voice,

"Well, when you're done playing all these games, maybe you'll let me know."

I turned and walked away, and I forced myself not to look back.

I think I felt worse, it that was possible, after that. I wish I'd never come here. Seth and Embry are the only people who speak to me. Maria acts as if I'm an icky piece if shit she's found at the bottom of her shoe.

Even though I hear whispers, I walk the corridors with my head up and my shoulders straight, even though deep inside I'm cringing.

But it's hard. It's really hard. It's _too _hard.

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**A/N - poor Bella, she just can't catch a break when it comes to Edward. **

**at least she kind of ish stuck up for herself even though it didnt turn out so well . . . **

**i'm halfway done with the next diary entry, so the next part should be coming to you all very soon!**

**as always, please review and let me know what you think of this diary entry! **

**stay up to date ya'll! **

**xxo**


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